As things have been pretty slow during the close season (just a new stand being built and some lovely new grass growing - all available to view at great distance on the webcam, not easy with a badger's eyesight) I thought I would occupy the quiet evenings in my sett in darkest Derbyshire by noting down all rumoured transfers to the Premier League's newest and brightest recruits OUR Blackpool FC
Little did I know that the list would soon outgrow the back of the envelope which had contained my tickets for Wembley Stadium 22 May 2010, graduate on to a pristine sheet of A4 paper and then evolve to a spreadsheet before even the first signing was announced!
But hey, this is Blackpool FC. We know things happen at the last minute ... or later - perhaps the referee will delay the Fulham kick off at Bloomfield Road by 15 minutes or so to allow contractors to tune in the big screen (are we having one??).
So back to the rumours.
The rumours I collated amounted to a mere 127 players at the time of writing and would in total make up quite some squad for Ollie to work with.
Of course it might just push the budget a little in spite of our new found wealth. We badgers are pretty damn good at digging I might say, but none of us have ever found the Ormerod money. My Fylde cousins are on alert for any new earthworks in or around the area and have already surveyed the ground beneath the East Stand and haven't found any bags marked 'Premier League Swag'.... yet.
Anyway a list of 127 possible players rumoured to be joining the Seasiders - what to do with the list? Does it stand alone as a work of fiction? Not really. There's some comedy value in there of course - a few decent one-liners, but not enough for a full stand up routine. I could do a statistical analysis - but got fed up after counting:
Goalkeepers 11
Defenders 30
Midfielders 38
Strikers 48
Interesting though that there are so many strikers, I guess they make for juicier rumours?
So what do us followers of the beautiful game do when faced with a list of players? Well I try and carve them up into teams. So here goes. I've had to use a fair bit of licence to piece things together and the 'teams' range from a basic 11 through a team with subs to a full blown squad so no nit-picking from you, dear reader. And yes, I'm sure I've not picked up on all the rumours - it's only a bit of fun after all.
So here goes all in a very flexible (some may say contrived) 4 - 3 - 3 format:
The Unforgettables
Players who have previously learnt the meaning of the Tangerine Dream:
Andy Lonergan
Seamus Coleman. Clark Carlisle. Danny Shittu. Marcel Seip
Jay Emmanuel-Thomas. Malaury Martin. Barry Bannan
DJ Cambell. Ricky Lambert. Stephen Dobbie
Note : Martin's been on trial so long now he feels like part of the furniture.
The Unknowns
Players who had not troubled The Badger's radar in any way prior to the rumours :
Daniel Orlund
Mark Reynolds. Craig Moore. Stephen Jordan. Shaun Densmore
Graham Carey. Niall McGinn. Leon Barnett
Tom Eaves. Dennis Yilmaz. Georgie Welcome
Subs : Adam Danch, Sunny, Laurent Merlin, Thomas Buffel
The Unpronouncables (aka Tony Parr's Nightmare Team)
Players whose names Ollie might struggle with in Press Conferences, as well as causing Tony Parr one or 2 headaches!:
Radek Cerny
Zsolt Lacko. Dekel Keinan. Nyron Nosworthy. Kerrea Gilbert
Aleksandar Ignjovski. Mehdi Jacen. Nabil El Zhar
Mame Biram Diouf. Razak Omotoyossi. Zlatan Ljubijankic
Subs : Tim Krul, Federico Macheda, Stefan Maierhofer, Ritchie de Laet, Luciano Becchio, Jozy Altidore, Tor Hogne Aaroy
Squad : Kaspars Ikstens, Tamas Priskin, Macoumba Kandji
The Internationals
World Cup 'Stars' Past and Present:
David James
Steve Finnan. Rigobert Song. Jay De Merit. Roberto Carlos (!!)
Michael Bradley. Paul Scholes. Robert Koren
Michael Owen. Harry Kewell. Emile Heskey
Subs : Nicky Butt, DaMarcus Beasley, Sol Bamba, Claudio Morel Rodrigues
The Unaffordables
Players out of our wages league ;
Joe Hart
Kyle Walker. Shaun St. Ledger. Daniel Gabbidon. Phil Bardsley
Steve Sidwell. Joe Ledley. Chris Eagles
Daniel Cousin. Kevin Davies. Darius Vassell
Subs : David Bentley, Ben Watson, David Nugent, Rob Earnshaw, Robbie Blake, Gary Hooper, Nile Ranger
Squad : Jason Roberts, James Vaughan, James Beattie, Kenny Miller, Daniel Pacheco
The Untouchables
Players we probably would prefer not to see 'Wearing the Wonga' :
Nicky Weaver
Kirk Broadfoot. Tony Hibbert. Chris Cohen. Albert Adomah
Andy Reid. Richard Chaplow. Ross Wallace
Leroy Lita. Marlon Harewood. Danny Webber
Subs : Matt Derbyshire, Robert Snodgrass, Georgios Samaras, Francis Jeffers (Discuss!)
The Unclassified
Basically players who don't fit into a category that I can pick a team from i.e. the rest !! But worth putting them in to have a complete-ish record - anyway, having said that there are some likely candidates amongst this lot!
Lee Grant
Angel Rangel. Garry Kenneth. Stephen Caldwell. Matt Hill
Paddy McCourt. Tom Cleverley. Paul Scharner
Danny Welbeck. Sylvan Ebanks-Blake. Jon Stead
Subs : David Marshall, Jack Cork, Scott Sinclair, Derek Riordan, Danny Rose, Rob Hulse, Ross McCormack
Squad : Scott Loach, Gavin McCann, Aiden McGeady, Andy Keogh, Brett Pitman, Simon Church, Jay Simpson, Martyn Waghorn, David Goodwillie
Well it's passed some time quite pleasantly (get a life I hear you shout), I'm sure you too can have a bit of fun picking your own rumour teams but one thing's certain the only team that matters is the one that pulls on the famous tangerine shirts at The DW Stadium at 3 pm on Saturday 14th August.
Shall I start you off :
Gilks . . .
Good luck to Ollie in putting that team together and whoever they are - good luck from us all at It's Not Orange It's Tangerine.
Come on you Pool, We are Premier League …
The Badger
